Of all the spiritual topics in the Bible, there are few that are more difficult to discuss in our society than the subject of submission in marriage.  Americans never have been particularly submissive people to begin with, and in the decades since the Sexual Revolution, most traces of an older patriarchal culture have been obliterated.  People who accept without batting an eyelash that there are 30 different genders will explode with outrage at the thought that wives ought to submit to their husbands.

In our study of submission, our goal is not to be conformed to the America of 2021.  However, neither is it to be conformed to the America of 1950, nor indeed to the worldly ideas of any time and place.  Instead, we want to be transformed to become unlike the world and to be conformed to the image of Christ. 

In this, our greatest enemy is not our society but ourselves.  All of us who are married, husbands and wives alike, know the temptation to put ourselves first instead of our spouses.  The selfishness within us is the foe we must defeat.  With this in mind, let’s consider what the Bible has to say about submission.

This morning, we’re going to confine ourselves to the discussion of marriage in the latter half of Ephesians 5.  However, we’re going to start this study slightly earlier than is usual by considering what the Scriptures reveal about WHO MUST SUBMIT.  Paul lays this out in Ephesians 5:18-21.  This is one of the places where paying attention to a verse’s immediate context is vital.  Yes, women are told to submit to their husbands in the next two verses, but 5:21 makes clear that submission isn’t a woman thing.  It’s a Christian thing.  All of us are to submit to one another, and that’s emphatically true of both spouses in a marriage!

Indeed, I think it’s appropriate to read v. 21 as a subject heading for everything from 5:22-6:9.  Paul is telling spouses, children, parents, servants, and masters what submission looks like in their particular situation.  We all are in different positions, but all of us are to share in the mind of Christ.

For that matter, it’s worth paying attention to the context of v. 21 too.  “Submitting” is actually the last of three instructions that are given to us in a series, and all of them are expressions of a spiritual state.  We are supposed to submit for the same reason that we sing and that we give thanks.  All three of those are products of our choice not to be drunk with wine, but to be filled with the Spirit, back in v.18.  Even though we’re not in Galatians 5 here, it’s completely legitimate to say that submission is a fruit of the Spirit.

With this in mind, let’s pause to notice the complete absence of asterisks in Ephesians 5:21.  Nobody’s Bible says, “Submit to one another in the fear of Christ, except when. . .”  As long as submission is not literally sinful, we are required to submit.  It doesn’t matter if we don’t want to or don’t like it.  Either we fear Christ, or we don’t.

After this, Paul begins his series of applications by discussing SUBMISSION FOR WIVES.  This appears in Ephesians 5:22-24.  The first thing to note here is that Paul is speaking to wives about how they should behave, not to husbands about how their wives should behave.  None of us should feel triumphant about how the Scriptures stick it to our spouse.  Instead, all of us should feel humbled and ashamed about how the Scriptures stick it to us. 

Paul’s instruction to wives to submit is, to say the least, not popular.  A lot of Christian women try to opt out of this command by comparing their husbands to Christ, to the inevitable detriment of their husbands.  The battle cry is, “As long as he is treating me like this, I don’t have to submit to him!”  Brethren, let me tell you straight.  The behavior of our spouses has nothing to do with our obligation to obey God.  Even if your husband is the most obnoxious, rude, insensitive jerk on the planet, you married the guy, so you have to submit to him!  Fundamentally, submission in our marriages is submission to God, and the only way to opt out of the commandment is to opt out of obedience to Him. 

When Clay and I were asked to preach this sermon series, the requesters asked for examples of how these principles should play out in real life.  When it comes to the submission of the wife to the husband, the number of applications probably is infinite, but there are three in particular I want to point out.

First, being submissive means acknowledging your husband’s right to have the final say.  Though the amount will vary from marriage to marriage, I don’t think it’s ungodly for a wife to disagree with her husband.  Lauren disagrees with me frequently!  Sooner or later, though, every disagreement must be resolved, and it is fundamentally the responsibility of the head of the family to make those decisions.

Second, being submissive means honoring your husband’s decisions, even when you disagree.  Submission that passive-aggressively shuts down the argument, then sneaks around doing what it wants, isn’t truly submission at all.  Nor, for that matter, is grudgingly offering the minimum amount of cooperation you think you can get away with.  Submission must come from the heart.

Third, being submissive means speaking respectfully of your husband to others.  The church exalts Christ.  It doesn’t go around running Him down behind His back.  Gossip is a sin, and gossiping about your husband is doubly a sin.

Finally, let’s consider SUBMISSION FOR HUSBANDS.  Paul explores this subject in Ephesians 5:25-33. The first thing I want us to notice here is that this section is much longer than any of the others we’ve studied this morning.  Apparently, the Holy Spirit thought the husbands of the church in Ephesus needed much more persuasion than the wives did!

Second, as with the instructions of the previous few verses, these verses provide a command for husbands with no exceptions.  The wife is to submit to her husband, no matter what.  The husband is to serve his wife with self-sacrificing love, no matter what.  Even if her behavior is utterly horrible, that does not change our obligation one little bit!  Christ gave Himself for us, so we must give ourselves for our wives.

It’s interesting, though, that in the second half of this context, Paul drastically changes his rhetorical tack.  The first part is an appeal to selflessness—be like Christ!  The second part, though, is an appeal to selfishness—care for your wife, because you’re really caring for yourself. 

Brothers, truer words were never written!  Yes, we can put ourselves first in our marriages.  Yes, we can trample all over our wives.  However, if we do, the price that we will pay will be far higher than we can possibly imagine.  The fruit of our bad behavior will embitter our entire lives.

As I did for wives, I want to close with three concrete examples of what submission for husbands looks like.  The first of these is that we must make every decision for our wives’ benefit and happiness.  As we do this, we must remember that the best guide to our wives’ benefit and happiness is. . . our wives.  Beware of constantly rejecting what she wants and telling yourself it’s for her own good! 

Second, take the suffering in your marriage upon yourself.  Christ suffered for the church, not vice versa.  If someone in your marriage is going to be inconvenienced or hurt by a decision that you make, make sure it’s you every time.

Last, be the one to offer reconciliation.  Every marriage, no matter how good, will have problems in it because all of us are imperfect people.  When Wife is in the kitchen, mad, thin-lipped, not talking, and Husband is sitting in the recliner in the den, mad, thin-lipped, not talking, who should be the one to reach out?  Who should be the first to swallow their pride a little bit, to apologize, to acknowledge wrongdoing rather than finding fault?  The Biblical answer here is clear.  Christ was the first to reach out to us, so husbands should be the first to reach out to their wives.

Humility is everybody’s favorite virtue. . . for everybody else.  Everywhere we go, we are struck by how highly everyone else thinks of their own thoughts and conclusions.  My elders are stuck in the past, but they’re so sure of themselves that they don’t realize it!  My friend thinks they’ve got it all figured out, and they keep on telling me how I need to do my business!  My spouse thinks they’re God’s gift to marriage!  And so on.

Of course, something else is lurking underneath all this, and it becomes clearer once we focus on our solution to all these perceived problems.  How can the elders become savvier?  By listening to me.  How can my friend become less overbearing?  By acknowledging that I understand things better than they do.  How can my spouse stop being so arrogant?  By admitting that I am the truly wonderful partner in the marriage.

That reveals a pride problem, all right.  However, it’s probably not the pride problem that we think it is.  If we are honest, to our lists of all those we think are arrogant, we probably should add our own. 

Really, that’s just as well.  We’re not called to make anybody else be humble, so whatever pride problems they have aren’t our problems anyway.  We’re called to humble ourselves.  In 1 Peter 5:5, Peter is quite clear.  Humility is an outfit that all of us are expected to put on.

This means first of all not being quite so certain of ourselves.  The fate of the congregation probably does not hinge on the elders doing things our way.  Our friends probably will not end up dead in a ditch if they don’t listen to us.  Our vision for our marriages probably is not the only godly way for them to be.

Second, we need to engage in some soul-searching.  Why is it that it is sooo important to me to get my way in everything?  Sometimes, the answer is that we’re simply that confident.  More often, though, it is that we aren’t.  The words and actions of others bother us because they make us doubt ourselves even more, and we want them to stop so we can feel better about ourselves.

Just as God calls on us to rein in our pride, so too He helps us to conquer our fears.  As Peter observes just a chapter earlier, if we are devoted to what is good, who will harm us?  Indeed, who can harm us?  Not the people who ignore us.  Not the people who call our judgment into question.  Our security is not based on ourselves.  It is based on Christ.

Once we recognize that, rather than sweating everything, we don’t have to sweat anything.  No one can diminish us; no one can tarnish the eternal glory that soon will be ours.  When we have put on the gentle and quiet spirit of 1 Peter 3:4, it doesn’t matter what storms rage outside because Christ is inside.

Of all of the multitude of false doctrines that have arisen since the resurrection, one of the most bizarre is the prosperity gospel.  Though it has found a home in the hearts of Mammon-worshipers throughout our country and indeed across the world, the gospel of health and wealth bears little resemblance to the gospel of Christ.  Indeed, rather than promising disciples of Jesus prosperity and earthly happiness, the Scriptures promise them the opposite.

One such promise appears in 1 Peter 4:12-13.  There, Peter warns his readers that a fiery ordeal is coming upon them to test them, so that they can share in the sufferings of Christ.  Contextually, this particular fiery ordeal is persecution.  Hostility toward their faith was a major problem for Christians in the first century, and it may prove to be similarly significant for brethren in the near future.

Whether this happens or not, though, some fiery ordeal in a larger sense is in store for all of us.  Christ suffered because He lived in a fallen world irremediably marred by sin, and because we live in the same world, we can expect a similar experience somewhere along the way.  God offers us compassion and healing in our trials, but He never tells us that He is going to make our lives as comfortable as possible, and we need to pay attention both to what He has promised and to what He hasn’t.

Sometimes the fiery ordeal will be persecution.  At others, it will be the death of a loved one, the failure of a cherished business, betrayal by a spouse, or hatefulness from brethren.  The list of possibilities here is as endless as the variations in human misery.

When this trial comes, it will shake us to our core.  It will force us to re-evaluate everything we had believed was true.  Depending on how we react to it, it can lift us to heights of awe-inspiring nobility or plunge us to depths of shame and spiritual failure. 

Peter tells us in 1 Peter 4:16 that when we suffer, we must suffer as a Christian.  This refers in part to suffering because we are Christians, as opposed to suffering because we are evildoers.  However, I believe that it also means that we ought to suffer in a way befitting Christians instead of one befitting evildoers.

In particular, Peter says that we ought to glorify God in our suffering.  There are few better examples of this than Job.  Job famously says in Job 1:21, “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”  In this, his determination to glorify God is obvious.

Less obviously, the same is true through the rest of the book.  Job’s words often make us uncomfortable as he accuses God of being unfair, expresses his anger with Him, and demands an explanation.  However, Job never curses God, turns away from Him, or sins with his lips.  Indeed, in Job 42:7, God commends Job for having spoken rightly about Him.  Even in his anger and his anguish, Job did not cease to honor God.

In our suffering, we can be honest with God.  He’s big enough to take it, and He knows what we’re thinking anyway!  What we must not do, though, is reject Him because of our suffering.  When we struggle in our faith but keep struggling onward, the ultimate result will be that God will be glorified, and that we will be glorified along with Him. 

DISCLAIMER:  I am a huge dork.  Do not feel the need to inform me of this because of this post.  I already know.

The other day, I found myself explaining the intricacies of Dungeons & Dragons to a couple of Christians who had never played before.  Among other things, we discussed D&D’s alignment system.  In D&D, every character has one of nine alignments.  These describe their attitude toward good versus evil along one axis and law versus chaos along the other. 

As I was setting this out, one of these Christians asked me to explain the difference between the Lawful Good alignment and the Lawful Neutral alignment.  I told him that Lawful Good characters view the laws of society as a tool for bringing about justice and benefiting everyone, whereas Lawful Neutral characters look on law as an end in and of itself.  You follow the law Just Because.

He replied, “Oh; so Lawful Neutral is the way that some people think the church is.”

The more I thought about that, the more I decided it was worth exploring.  Indeed, I would go so far as to say that Lawful Neutral Christianity is not merely a perception of the church that others hold.  Instead, it represents a trap for us.

On the D&D moral axis, our lawfulness is undeniable.  “Do all in the name of the Lord,” we say, and we proceed to explain that in the context of Colossians 3:17, “name” means “authority”.  From that, it is easy to conclude that obedience to the authority of Christ is all that matters.  Thus, we need to marshal our arguments in such a way as to compel even the unwilling to obedience.  Every i must be dotted; every t must be crossed, whether you want to or not.

The problem is, though, that the New Testament doesn’t present itself as a Lawful Neutral system of ethics.  What underlies the law of Christ is not obedience, but love.  As Paul says in Romans 13:9, every commandment can be summed up in, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 

Rightly understood, every ordinance of God is an expression of love for somebody.  They exist not because God’s call to love is inadequate, but because our understanding of love is.  We are foolish and easily deceived, so we are prone to mistake selfishness for love.  By leading us to reject behavior that appeals to us but really is unloving, the commandments keep us on the path of godliness.

Because Christianity’s moral code is love-dependent, in the absence of love, it falls apart.  If you take love out of Christianity, you end up with Pharisaism or even worse.  Thus, Christian ethics always must be accepted internally rather than imposed externally.  If we make somebody go through the motions of loving God and others when they don’t share that love, all we have done is to create a hypocrite.

Lawful Neutral Christianity is seductive.  All of us have known the desire to compel someone else to be righteous, to beat them over the head with the Bible enough that they give in.  However, unless love is present, righteousness never will be.  The gospel cannot penetrate the hard hearts of the unwilling, but in those who desire to follow Jesus, it will produce not merely lawfulness, but goodness.

My soul, exalt the name of God;
Recall with thanks each benefit:
He pardons your iniquities,
And He redeems you from the pit.
He crowns you with His faithful love,
And He renews your years with rest
Because He acts with righteousness
And He is just to the oppressed.

To Israel He made known His ways;
He showed His mercy and His grace;
He does not hold His anger long
Nor keep our crimes before His face.
As high is heaven is from earth,
So is His love when we obey;
As far as east is from the west,
So far He takes our sins away.

Our Father knows our mortal frame:
Our days are numbered, like the grass;
The tempest blows; it is no more,
And from its place it soon will pass.
But God will always show His love
To those who honor Him with awe,
And He will bless with righteousness
The ones who know and keep His law.

The Lord has set His throne above;
He rules all things with majesty;
Exalt the Lord, you angels all,
Who do His will so faithfully!
Exalt the Lord, all you His hosts,
With all who bow to His control;
In all His works, let Him be praised;
Exalt Him always, O my soul!

Suggested tune:  “Higher Ground”